Speed Dating

Just the idea of random strangers trying to make their best first impressions in 2 minutes blows my mind.  It's HI-LARIOUS!  It's kind of cool if you get the creepy vibe because you know that you'll be able to free yourself from that tangled web in no time at all.  It makes you wonder who's telling the truth and who is lying through their ass holes.

After having dinner with friends last night we talked about how funny it would be if we all went to a speed dating event in our current conditions.  We'd roll in deep with wedding rings, 2 pregnant ladies, one person in a wheelchair and a bunch of insanity brought upon us by our shrieking hormones, lol.

Can you picture it? CAN YOU???  I CAN!  I can't stop laughing.

Camel Toe

Just the sound of that phrase makes me cringe and laugh simultaneously.  I've begun hand & arm therapy.  Carpal tunnel seems to be imminent, but according to my neurologist, it's easy to maintain the current healthy state with a few minor adjustments and the addition of wrist splints at night since that's when it flares up the most.

As I'm scarfing down my lunch, my therapist calls me early and as I attempt to greedily chew and swallow the last bite, he disappears and I'm relieved that I can have 2 seconds to finish my bite.

O seats me at the patient table and asks me to transfer to assess my skills and then proceeds with the checks and balances to see what needs therapy immediately.  He plops down in front of me and asks me to do a series of moves, yadda yadda yadda.  He's sitting spread eagle and what do I notice?  He's got triple camel toe!  LOL.  How is it possible to smash the balls so completely to come out with a triple where only a double should exist?  He keeps asking me to bend over towards him (to check the strength of my back) and asks me to keep looking down, and it takes all of my professional tact to not burst out laughing and just to add insult to injury, almost literally, he keeps adjusting his "too tight" pants to relieve the boys.  sigh.  Note to self, bring a blindfold to my next session.  Actually, the next one is with a female therapist, we'll see what entertainment she provides. 

I've dubbed O the "Ball Smasher"....or was it "Ball Crusher"?  Both are funny....indeed.

The Bird

Just a funny.

Ollie picked me up from work today so we could stop by the garment/craft district downtown.  He needed to pick up the vases and mirrors for the wedding centerpieces and I needed to price shop for bridal favors.

As we strolled through L.A. Live I was talking to my brother about being frustrated with some things.  I proceeded to say something like, "I can't wait to be on my own, with a great job, and a great place, and a great social life so I can roll by people that abandoned me while giving them the bird.".  I then proceeded to demonstrate like an idiot.  I lifted my hand flared the bird and glided down the walkway....not knowing that I happened to be passing a row of windows for a restaurant.  lol.  Apparently, I unknowingly flipped off the row of people sitting behind that row of windows.  What an a-hole I am.  

c'est la vie.

Access Denied

I had a discussion about badges in "high security" buildings with a good friend of mine.  We both work in buildings requiring you to use your badge to get into every door but the bathroom and eating areas.

Due to the positioning of his badge he accidentally swiped the badge reader of the Mother's Lactation Room and, like you guessed, access was denied.

Consequentially, he received a follow up email from the security department letting him know that it was inappropriate of him to attempt entry and was advised to contact the security department if he needed access to said area.

My friend lets his mind wander into the gutter every now and then, but he's no peeping tom.  lol.

But we are friends and great minds think alike...BING!  (inside joke)

Phone Etiquette

So I've been receiving a lot of phone calls requesting charitable contributions.  They're all worthy causes, but it's as if they twist your arm to donate and almost dupe you into thinking that you have to donate $xx and above, but really you can donate anything you want.  They let you know that they can pay the minimum of $30 or more, when you can actually donate a buck if you choose to, then they verify that you said what you said and send out a bill for you to submit.  I've even gone through the trouble of telling them that I'm  not working and that I support their charities through individuals, such as the Revlon Run-Walk Marathon for Breast Cancer Research.

So today someone called.  I recognized the "877"/"866" number and wondered if I should pretend not to speak English or change my voice because I'm so annoyed by them.  I decided to pick it up and lower my voice.  They asked if I was Mr. Almalel....lol...when I said "no", they asked for Olivia, and I said she wasn't home.  They politely let me know that they'd call back.  lol.

I can't help myself.  No more friggin' charity calls, I got tons to deal with on my own.  LOL

My Doctor

Disclaimer, I love my doctor.  He is always behind and loses all my paperwork but when he sits with me, he genuinely talks with me and tries to accommodate my every need.  Heck the first appointment I had with him after leaving Northridge Hospital was a long wait, but he actually sent his nurse out with his credit card to buy a vaccine for me.  He knew that I had weakened lungs and sent her out to get Pneumovax which is used to prevent pneumonia. What a guy!

I went to see him today and upon walking in, his secretary gets an "uh-oh" look and says, "I'm sorry my dear, but you're the only one I forgot to call.  Dr. C is at a conference in San Diego and he won't be in for a few days.".  So I take a deep breath and instead of making a big deal, I ask her to look at the paperwork that I need filled out.  She sees that it's something she can sign, so she does!  Woo hoo!  Not only that, but she wrote a prescription for me to get my wheelchair repaired.  Nice.

My doctor is an odd one though.  I like to describe him as my Woody Alan doctor.  When you walk in you already know you're going to wait at least 30 minutes to an hour.  "Ugh" is the only thing that runs through your mind.  As you wait though, all you see is him running around the office, going room to room, apologizing for the wait and thanking patients for being so kind.  Then he pops up in the front office and thanks all of us in the waiting room with a furled eyebrow and a puppy dog face.  It's hard not to laugh while he zooms in and out while telling us, "Just one moment.  I'll be with you all soon, Thank you for coming" a-la-Woody-Alan, and POOF, he's gone again.  It's like watching the little groundhog-things pop up in the Whackamole arcade game. lol  

To Laugh or Not to Laugh?

My sense of humor is understood by those with the same weird/wrong sense of humor. You know the old adage, "Birds of a feather, flock together". Like my friend Ursula, we have a pretty warped sense of humor that only we would understand. We laugh at almost all of the same things and know how to tell a story in a way that would make the other laugh pretty hard. Now that I've begun going out more, whether it be Dr.s' appointments or grocery shopping, I have a chance to people watch more. It's very interesting. So this blog is just about everyday occurrences that make me laugh. It might be funny to most, but sometimes I just have to laugh, even if it makes me look like a jerk. I never said I was perfect. lol.

So today, I went out with my brother and Kat, his girlfriend/fiancee, to shop for pet costumes. They love their dog like a child and treat her like a princess. Even I have to agree that Momo, the dog, is great. Although Saturday afternoon, a week before Halloween, is not the ideal time to shop, we ended up at T.J. Maxx and the Halloween Store in Granada Hills. So many people in the store and so many articles of clothing, toiletries, and accessories randomly thrown about.

Inappropriate?

I saw a woman mindlessly meandering through the housewares section in the back while I was staring at a wall of specialty gourmet cookies, cocoa mixes, and haberdasheries. I heard a crash and noticed in my peripheral vision that she had mindlessly crashed her cart into a support beam and startled herself into consciousness. I couldn't help but to choke back a laugh, the kind of thing you do which ends up with you kind of snorting. I composed myself, but when she apologized to the beam, I laughed. Sorry.